Chapter 2
Most of us know what it is like to discover passion. Something that just sets your soul on fire. Want to know what is even more amazing than that? When you rediscover a passion. When a familiar tune suddenly becomes a full-blown performance in front of your mirror because your muscle memory remembers the happiness that this song brought you. And now you canโt unhear the song, you long for the feeling it brings, you find every opportunity to listen to it.
Iโm Lize, and after several years as a photographer on cruise ships, photography – which once was a deep passion for me – became a drag. It lost its spark. So I sold my equipment and moved on, eventually finding success and happiness in a career as an independent travel agent.
But in the back of my head, that melody still lingered and the itch for photography remained, patiently waiting.
And then I discovered newborn photography. Suddenly I was spending nights researching lights and poses and props, drooling over the cuteness and finding the fire of passion all over again. So I decided to pursue it, slowly beginning to build up my gear and inventory again, practicing on family, the framework of a portfolio taking shape.
Aaaand then, MS. Multiple Sclerosis. My husbandโs diagnosis.
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My dreams come to a standstill as we suddenly find ourselves reassessing everything in our lives. This moment, forever marked on our timeline.
I pack away the equipment I had started to gather, laying down my photography dreams alongside it. There was no room for a new venture when we were suddenly down to one income, pregnant and navigating an illness that brought Louis to his knees.
Life became a series of adjustments. We couldnโt function the same anymore.
Adjustment One – Despite the medication, Louis could no longer work because driving and walking had become too much of a challenge. His body just could not cope.
A young man but..
Unable to tie his shoes
Struggling to button his shirts
Walking like a drunken pirate
Struggling to speak
Absorbing the judgement as he supported his thirty-year-old body with a cane.
No more parties at friendsโ houses because there were no guarantees about how he would feel in the next two hours.
Adjustment Two – And so, because of all of this came laying down my photography dream. My only focus was survival, not dreaming.
Adjustment Three – Pregnancy and a baby. And those who have children will understand when I say that that in itself is a massive adjustment.
And then, adjustment four – A second diagnosis. Trigeminal Neuralgia. A chronic pain condition. A condition that is very rare in general but 4% more likely to be diagnosed in someone with MS. A condition that is often brought on by an emotionally jarring experienceโฆ Such as no longer being able to work, no longer having a clear purpose, no longer being able to contribute towards your familyโs care, no longer being able to be the man that you dreamed of being, the man who you know is now trapped inside a failing body.
We both carried the burden. Him, physically in so much pain that days went by where he could not get out of bed. Me, emotionally exhausted from holding space and all the responsibilities so that our little family could stay afloat. Each fighting their own battles as every new day dawned, unsure whether there was enough grace or capacity to get through another day… another hour.. another moment.
And sometimes that was all we had, just enough for that moment. Armed with whatever tools we could find – like a warm bean bag that brings just enough relief that I could temporarily have my husband back. Like a 40-minute drive to see my friend, indulge in the small act of having my nails done, a chance to blow off steam so that I had courage to face another day.
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So there we were, two people, still deeply in love, but faced with the โin sicknessโ part of our vows. Learning to navigate illness, making all the sacrifices required to survive on one income and holding the tender excitement of new life in our hands as we prepared for our sonโs arrival.
However, as you probably imagined, the arrival of our son was not the overflowing time of joy that one dreams of. I was still on the phone with a client as I was being rolled into the theatre, hustling up until the last minute for every cent, knowing that it was up to me to provide. I spent my fresh postpartum moments working in secret so that Louis didnโt have to try and protect me from what he couldnโt – the work that needed to be done, the bills that had to be paid. And so we continued to survive and adjust and be stretched as I scrambled to care for our son, my husband, my job. Until there was just no scramble left.
Adjustment Five – Moving in with my in-laws.
Because enough was enough, they saw that and opened their home to us.
We settled in and there was finally room to breathe a bit. Extra hands to hold our four-month-old, extra hands to prepare meals, extra hands to encourage small movements. Extra hearts to help carry the heartache.
I continued to work, putting aside what we would have paid for rent each month, finally able to build up a small stash of savings.
And just in time, because a few months after we moved in, adjustment number six hit – COVID. Or alternatively titled โthe loss of all our incomeโ because in one fell swoop the whole tourism industry shut down leaving me frantically working to readjust all my clientsโ travel plans while no longer earning any money. It was certainly not ideal, and yet we prevailed. Those few months of saving meant we had something to buffer the continued expenses of medical aid, without which we wouldnโt be able to pay for Louis’ medication.
This new hurdle resulted in our four- month stay developing into a 15-month stay.
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And boy did it reveal some stuff. Now we were two adults, jobless, feeling rather useless in not being able to provide for ourselves, relying on the generosity of my in-laws and the charity of the people my mother was sharing my banking details with (I mean moms, am I right? Bless their hearts).
We had to navigate our pride, redefine where we find our value, find the motivation to invent a new normal for ourselves. All while navigating parenting.
It was time to make a move. We had fallen as low as possible. But we were still there. We had our little family to fight for. We had each other. So I dusted myself off and started opening my eyes to see new possibilities. Accepting that this was no longer working and instead of letting that defeat us, allowing it to launch us into something new.
A little side note about offices. We spent a lot of time in themโฆ
- Doctors.
- Physios.
- Chiros.
- Acupuncturists.
- Bio kineticists.
- Walking rehabilitation.
- Neurologists.
- Specialists.
We saw them all. We tried it all. We explored it all. We hoped through it all. We gave it our all.
- Visit Lize Leonard’s photographic studio Little Miracles Photographyย here. Visit Louis Leonardโs business,ย Buckets of Blessings, contact him onย 072 601 8471ย or send an email toย louis@bucketsofblessings.com.ย
Chapter 3 will be published on Thursday, 18 September.
